I feel like I just need to get all of this out of my head for my own sanity. Life has felt a little bit like a spiral and not in a fun “let’s ride Tea Cups” kind of spiral but more like a whirl pool that I just don’t know how to escape from. But really I have to ask myself more honestly, why can’t I escape? What is actually stopping me? We’ve gotten out of stuff like this before when our life was going down a road we didn’t want to follow, granted things were different back then and you didn’t have the support you really needed to make it truly succeed in the way you hoped but you got out of it. So what is exactly stopping us now?
It can’t be the fear of the unknown, we deal with that every day we wake up not knowing what notifications we will have, what work thing is gonna come out of left field, or even what our day will be like in general. When I look at things deep down I know it’s that I’m scared of what I am capable of. Other people see it, no matter how hard I try and hide it, but they SEE me in a way that makes me feel exposed. And truly I have been, I am exposed for dimming my light, for lowering myself to not make others feel small, to not chase my dreams because doing so would mean I’d have to really lean all the way in to who I know I am meant to be and THAT scares me.
But why? Have I become so comfortable in being mediocre? This isn’t what I wanted for my life. I know things change over time but THIS is not what I pictured for myself. I am settling in every sense of the word. I want to lean in to my creative pursuits. I want to show people that there is more to life than staying in a space you are unhappy in, that it is possible to create something that celebrates all of your interests, that we are more than the 1s and 0s that have been attributed to us by algorithms and companies.
I no longer want to keep saying “One Day”, from here on out it will be “Day One” and inching towards what I want to do. That means taking things seriously, planning out my time, blocking out time on my work cal so I don’t get random meetings throughout the week. actually shooting content, making time to draw every day no matter how big or small, reading something every day, spending time on my phone less, working out at least 3 times a week (until I build up my stamina but in four months I want to be working out every day), meal prepping to eat out less because my body deserves to be treated properly, spending more time with friends and loved ones, and no longer letting myself waste away.
Day One starts now.
